A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she
laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m
sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?’
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and
also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer, hit a few keys and produced a bill
which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$1,500!” she cried,
“$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the
bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s
now $1,500.”
The Truth and Nothing but the Truth
A Lawyer who had a wife and twelve children needed to move because his lease was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said he had twelve children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn’t say that he had no children, because he couldn’t lie – We all know that lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with eleven of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked: “How many children do you have?” The man answered: ” Twelve”. The agent asked: “Where are the others?” The lawyer with his best courtroom sad look answered: “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”
The moral of the story- It’s not necessary to lie. One only has to choose the right words (and don’t forget, lots of politicians are unfortunately lawyers).
No Deal
A fellow walked into a garage to buy a second-hand car. The salesman showed him a car and gave him the usual sales talk.
“Is it a fast car?” inquired the prospective purchaser.
“Fast!” said the salesman. “If you left here at ten o’clock tonight this car would have you in Cork at two o’clock in the morning.”
The customer decided to buy the car and arranged to collect and pay for the car the following day. He returned the next day, met the salesman and said, “The deal is off.”
“What’s wrong?” asked the salesman.
“Well,” said the lad, “I stayed awake all night racking my brains and I couldn’t think of one reason why I should want to drive to Cork to get there at 2 a.m.”
If it wasn’t for my money
A wife had brought money to the marriage and never allowed her husband to forget it. When a visitor remarked on the piano, she said:
“If it wasn’t for my money, we wouldn’t have it.”
When the visitor admired a picture on the wall, she said:
“Yes, it was my money bought us that.”
When the visitor complimented them on the new silk curtains, she said:
“If it wasn’t for my money, they wouldn’t be here.”
“If it wasn’t for your money,” muttered her husband, not quite quietly enough, I wouldn’t be here either.”
Eating Goat
A young couple invited their parish priest for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meat , their young son was in the living room entertaining the priest.
“What are we having for dinner?” the priest asked.
“Goat” replied the boy.
“Goat?” repeated the startled priest. “Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad tell Mom. ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.”
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Irish Bank Robbery
An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him, and the robber walks over calmly and shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
“Did anyone else see my face?” asks the robber?
There is a few moments of silence , when one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:”I think me wife may have caught a glimpse.”
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A drink of water
Jim and his wife were on their honeymoon in a big hotel. About one o’clock Jim’s wife awoke and said she was thirsty so he went down the corridor and got her a drink of water. About two o’clock she awoke again so Jim got her another drink. Finally, she awoke at three o’clock and again said she was thirsty, so once again Jim set off down the corridor. About half an hour later he returned with a glass of water. “What kept you so long?” she asked him. “Sorry for the delay,” said Jim, “but there was a fellow sitting on the well.”
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Have a swig yourself
The local priest was driving down a country road when a second car careened around the bend,
spun out of control, and crashed into the priest’s car.
The driver of the second car staggered over to the priest.
“Holy, God,” said the priest. “You nearly killed me.”
“I’m sorry, Father,” apologized the man, taking a flask of whiskey from his pocket.
“Here, have a drink of this, it’ll calm your nerves.”
“I don’t mind if I do,” said the priest, taking a generous swig.
He took another gulp. “Here,” he said, handing the flask back.
“Have a swig yourself.”
“Oh, no, Father,” said the man calmly.
“I’ll just wait here till the police arrive!”
Time, Gentlemen
The publican had had a very busy night and it was after two o’clock when he got to bed in his home across the road. He had been asleep for only half-an-hour when the phone rang.
“Are you Mr. O’Gorman, the publican?”
“Yes”
“What time do you open at in the morning?”
“Ten o’clock,” snapped the publican and banged down the phone. An hour later the phone rang again. It was the same caller, now rather worse for the wear.
“Excuse me (hic), but what time (hic) do you open at?”
“Ten o’clock,” shouted the publican. “I told you that before, but if you keep waking me I won’t be there to open at all. Besides, judging by your voice, you won’t be let in anyway!”
“Oh, (hic) I don’t want to get in, I (hic) only want to be let out!”
A Lawyer who had a wife and twelve children needed to move because his lease was terminated by the owner who wanted to reoccupy the home. But he was having a lot of difficulty finding a new house.
When he said he had twelve children, no one would rent a home to him because they felt that the children would destroy the place.
He couldn’t say that he had no children, because he couldn’t lie – We all know that lawyers cannot and do not lie.
So he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with eleven of their kids. He took the remaining one with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent.
He loved one of the homes and the price was right. The agent asked: “How many children do you have?” The man answered: ” Twelve”. The agent asked: “Where are the others?” The lawyer with his best courtroom sad look answered: “They’re in the cemetery with their mother.”
The moral of the story- It’s not necessary to lie. One only has to choose the right words (and don’t forget, lots of politicians are unfortunately lawyers).